The Pickytarian

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July 11, 2005

The Fantastic Suckytarian

Editor's note: After a long hiatus, The Suckytarian returns to this site to provide you with a glimpse into his cold, soulless, heart. The following is his review of The Fantastic Four movie. Please note that any views expressed herein are most certainly not, and in fact likely contradict with metaphysical certitude, the views of The Pickytarian...

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Hello, you bloggy bastards! You might remember me from past works such as Killer Shrike: How Curvy Wrist Blades And A Top Knot Can Make YOU A Bad Ass Too and In Defense of "Warlock and The Infinity Watch". I am the defender of all that the Pickytarian despises. I am the purveyor of all that the Pickytarian ignores. I am the Suckytarian. And I am here with one simple question: What the hell is an Ioan Gruffudd?

The Pickytarian has been begging me to return to the site for some time now, but I could not bring myself away from my worn-out copy of Daredevil and my stack of Reginald Hudlin Spider-Man comics until today. Until I had a purpose. Until I saw this opportunity to save the Pickytarian from his own pickiness. To save him from giving in to his snobbery and missing out on a genuine good time. I am here to tell you that Fantastic Four is FANTASTIC FUN!

Critically panned and technically bad, Marvel's latest cinematic offering had me smiling like a giddy little kid from start to finish. And from the bright-eyed looks on the many young faces surrounding me in the theater, the movie had real little kids giddy too! This movie is a hit and the franchise WILL have legs.

WHAT YOU WON'T LIKE
All of the reviews you've read or heard are 100% right. The good ones AND the bad. If you can get a hold of some of the more scathing reviews before seeing this flick, please do, as it will help you get over any high hopes or fanboy pretension, and just enjoy it for what it is.

Lowered expectations were key to my enjoyment. So was seeing the comparatively dull and heavy-handed Batman Begins only a couple of weeks prior. And there is definitely something magical and infectious about the laughter and excitement of a theater full of children.

Here's a quick rundown of what you will not (and SHOULD NOT) like about this movie:

1. Jessica Alba's acting. She is just too wooden. Sure, she's hot, which goes a long way toward making her tolerable. But they should've gone with that Mean Girl chick originally rumored for Sue Storm.


2. In the very beginning of the movie, Ben Grimm makes a blond joke at Johnny Storm's expense. Look at any posters or promos for this movie and you will notice a problem with such a joke. Johnny Storm IS blond in this movie, but you can only tell during one scene where he is back-lit enough for the orangey yellow color of his crew cut to show. Anyway, it is one of those little hiccups early on that can set the most discerning fanboys off on a tear. You've been warned, so get over it.


3. The guy who plays Reed Richards has an accent in real life, and he seems to be having a very hard time keeping it in check throughout the movie. Either that or he's just as wooden an actor as Jessica Alba. The generally poor performances by these two definitely spoils some of the chemistry between the supposed future Mr. and Mrs. Richards.


4. There are a couple of instances where all of the key players show up at the same place at the same time right on cue for some pivotal action. The filmmakers should have used 5 or 10 of the minutes saved by streamlining the early origin bits to provide at least a tiny bit of justification for these annoying moments of convenience. (But if you could tolerate the same problem during the climax of Batman Begins, you shouldn't even notice it here.)


5. Masked Dr. Doom looks cool, but he just sounds like the Nip/Tuck guy standing in a voiceover booth doing a preliminary script read. There's still hope for the DVD release or, at least, the inevitable sequel, for the filmmakers to fix this egregious error. They really dropped the ball in depicting the VOICE OF DOOOOOOM!!!! Jerks.

But that's it. That's my gripe list.

WHY IT WORKS
I went into this movie expecting the absolute worst. What I got was a care-free take on what I have always considered a care-free comic. The Fantastic Four, in whatever medium, has always been about fun to me. Spider-Man and Batman are steeped in tragedy and the respective hero's inner turmoil. The X-Men are bogged down by racism and a constant, layered "us versus them" dynamic. But the FF are celebrities and beloved adventurers. They are a happy family with awesome powers and abilities doing amazing things.

The movie is recognizably the origin of the FF, but it has been streamlined and updated in order to make the movie's plot as compact and kid-friendly as possible. The specific reason the characters go into space is different. The participants in the space flight and their roles in the mission are not quite the same. But the changes manage to make the original story MORE accessible without sacrificing ANY of the necessary relationships. Victor Von Doom is still jealous of all things Reed Richards, and he will come to hold Reed responsible for his fate. Sue and Johnny Storm have a better reason to be on the mission than "Well, she's Reed's girlfriend and Johnny's her little bro." And all of the characters are given an implied history that adds depth to their relationships, particularly the relationship between Ben Grimm and Johnny, without tacking an extra 20-30 minutes of clunky exposition or stretched logic to the story. Dare I say the filmmakers have IMPROVED the FF's origin? I think I do.

The overall plot doesn't drag and it does not insult your intelligence... unless you were insulted by the plot of the original (or current) comic plots. In which case, why the heck would you want to see this movie anyway? And why are you visiting this Web site? Weirdo.

Ultimately, the main reason you and anyone else will enjoy this movie is the relationship between Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm. It is so spot-on perfect and true to the comic that your inner child will not be able to resist smiling and laughing along with their back and forth throughout. Its just that good. As good a job as I thought Christian Bale did in Batman Begins, Chris Evan (as the Torch) and Michael Chicklis (Thing) are just absolutely brilliant. They got it. And they make this movie something special. Another Alba-esque casting decision for either role, and this movie would be a total disaster. These two guys are the shining beacon of hope that makes all the suckiness suck a little less, and elevates what's good to great. I don't see Oscars in their future, but I will bet money that Evans and Chicklis win the MTV Movie Award for best duo.

To wrap this up, let me once again reference Batman Begins, which * prior to seeing FF * I really liked (and still, technically, do), but now seems to be far more flawed. BB was NOT a fun or enjoyable movie. It as grim and heavy-handed. BB suffered from pretty much the same flaws as FF, and just about every movie in the comic book genre (annoying convenience, some crappy acting here and there). But then FF excel by not claiming to be more than it is. FF doesn't pretend or presume, like BB does, to be a mature, adult-minded, independent-spirited FILM. FF knows what it is. Its a commercial for Happy Meals. Its an introduction, for little girls and boys, to 4 of the coolest characters that they've never heard of. Its a good time at the movies.

Fantastic Four gets a SOLID ***3 1/2 stars from the Suckytarian (and Batman Begins gets knocked down a peg to an even ***3 stars in the process).

Posted by jdonelson_nyc at July 11, 2005 02:01 PM

Comments

Posted by: David Fiore at July 11, 2005 02:56 PM

Posted by: Suckytarian at July 11, 2005 03:25 PM

Posted by: Allison Trump at February 15, 2006 05:38 PM

Posted by: Betsy Markum at February 15, 2006 05:38 PM