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January 28, 2005
The Invasion of... The Suckytarian!!!
Ed: The following post was contributed by an old friend/foe of mine. He resides on a square earth populated by stone-skinned bad-taste versions of myself, all of whom follow the teachings of Wizard Magazine to the letter and worship at the altar of their philosopher-king deity, Rob Leifeld. Men call him The Suckytarian. Women don't call him much at all. (Har, har!) Without further ado, please welcome this blog's first (and hopefully last) guest post...
Ok you bloggy little bastards, listen up! I’ve had enough of Mr. Pissy Pants Pickytarian here telling you all what to think about a bunch of no-selling, no-name, underground ashcans, with the occasional "I love Bendis" thrown in to keep the fanboys happy. I’ve known the Pickytarian for over a decade now, and it is with great pleasure that I’ve spent a good portion of that time bringing him back to reality on the differences between right and wrong, good and bad, lame and cool. I’ve also put in plenty of time trying to explain to this assclown how to have a good time and actually ENJOY his hobbies. This guy is a total masochist, spending all of his hard earned money every Wednesday just to feed his ulcer.
Anyway, just the sight of a certain new TPB on the comic store shelf this week sent the poor boy into a fit of rage. Long story short, he’ll be back as soon as I’m able to collect bail money. And in his honor, I will share my thoughts on the very book that was his downfall, the very tome towards which -- in its monthly form not too long ago -- the Pickytarian repeatedly shared with you his loathing. I share with you -- Avengers: Disassembled
And yes, thar be spoilers ahead!
I made the decision to hold off for the trade on this story after having read what I still think is an absolutely kick-ass amazing, grab-you-by-the-balls, action-packed first issue (being Avengers #500). It was a tough decision to make for that first month, but then the feedback began to trickle in from the fanboy universe. The Pickytarian was not alone in declaring that Avengers: Disassembled (A:D) was the drizzling shits of comic stories. A.K.A., no good. I all but forgot about the series by the time Wizard Magazine accidentally spoiled the ending when issue # 503 shipped late. And to find out that Scarlet Witch was to blame for all the shenanigans seemed far fetched if not downright stoopit with my having only read 1 of 3 issues. But hot damn that first issue rocked.
Now in collected form, and after months of hearing how awful the story was, and having had everything about it spoiled a few times over by Wizard and the Internet, I must say it was a well spent $15.99. I still think the first issue is full of fantastic, gleeful mayhem, and the second and third issues are more of the same. Doc Strange’s 3rd issue info dump to justify the chaos? Not offensive to me like it was to some (Pickytarian!). In fact, I kind of liked the way it was handled visually with flashback panels.
Sure it’s all a big clusterfuck excuse to cut loose some dead weight from the series, and way too many characters showing up just to show up -- and surviving! And David Finch is a horribly inconsistent artist. Take a look at Hawkeye out of costume. Now take a look at Hank Pym out of costume. Now take a look at every other blond-headed male this joke draws. They all look like the same bloated, box-headed Brad Pitt caricature. Hack. And he looks like Sloth from the Goonies in his publicity photo.
But Finch does draw big action very well. And Bendis writes it well. He basically wrote the kind of insane spectacle that I would have played out on my bedroom floor if I had a bigger collection of superhero toys as a kid. As it stands, I only had Kang and Iron Man from the Secret Wars line -- and they usually ended up fighting Chewbacca or Hulk Hogan. But this story is fun!
Fun? How can it be fun with so many beloved characters dying and so much continuity being turned on its head and that stupid ad for Young Avengers appearing in the trade, and Spider-Man and Wolverine joining the New Avengers one month later? How? How? How? --- asks some whiny little girl or the Pickytarian from his jail cell.
It’s fun because they’re comic characters! 2-D cartoons. Just enjoy the ride! A:D was the most fun I had reading a Marvel comic since The Infinity Gauntlet. And it was the same situation -- overblown insanity with lots of action and death and to hell with continuity. I know that at the end of that story, everything was returned to how it was at the start, and maybe that made it more palatable to some people. But A:D did that story one better by NOT returning things to normal.
Now we get a year of well drawn Marvel All-Star action in New Avengers. I don’t mind seeing Spider-Man or Wolverine on the team because I don’t buy any of the 37 other books they’re in on a weekly basis. Hell, I don’t buy this one. I’ll pick up the first trade and see where to go from there. But flipping through the first issue, that art looks sweeeet.
We get a solid lead-in to Marvels big 2005 "event," House of M, which looks to be a Crisis-style cleanup for the mutantverse. Magneto and his kids will be key to that story, so A:D hopefully did its job to put Scarlet Witch over as a bigtime player. I mean I know how powerful she is just from memorizing my old issues of The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe. But casual readers and the youngsters needed something like A:D to put Scarlet Witch’s powers into perspective.
Dead weight like the Hawkeye, Vision, Wasp, and Ant-Man are now officially written off of the Marvel U active roster. It also adds to the worth of the Ultimate Universe, where all (well not the Vision, yet, right?) of these characters have been handled way better and made more relevant again.
Oh and absolutely yes you will see any and all of these characters -- as soon as someone comes up with a GOOD IDEA for them. Joss Whedon brought back my favorite X-Man, Colossus, recently. It was done well. I don’t care about that stupid villain that he dropped into X-continuity. I just really enjoyed the fact that Colossus and Kitty Pride were back in an X-book acting like themselves, but with a new dramatic layer added to their fictional 2-D lives. I hope whoever writes the inevitable story about Hawkeye’s return from imprisonment on some magical alternative reality sprung up from a mixture of Scarlet Witch’s warped reality and the explosion of a magical Kree warship does it justice. And I hope that whoever rebuilds the Vision reduces the size of that collar on his cape. That shit is wicked out of style.
As far as I’m concerned, out of the chaos of a few issues of one silly little comic, we’ve got a whole world of possibilities. But someone really needs to tell David Finch that Wonder Man’s eyes are red. A:D TPB = 4 stars!!!
SO SAYETH THE SUCKYTARIAN!
Posted by jdonelson_nyc at January 28, 2005 01:07 PM
Comments
Holy macaroni! The Suckytarian is AWESOME!!!! What a post! Best blog everrrrrrr.....
Posted by: The Suckytarian at January 28, 2005 02:19 PM
A:D can suck my nutsac. So can Bendis. 'Nuff said.
Posted by: Rick at January 28, 2005 02:36 PM
I agree with Rick. A:D can suck his nutsack.
Please bear in mind that the views of The Suckytarian do not necessarily reflect the views of The Pickytarian. In fact they pretty much contradict the views of The Pickytarian in every conceivable way.
Posted by: jdonelson_nyc at January 28, 2005 04:57 PM
I hate to say it; I mean, I REALLY hate to say it, but I think I'm leaning towards the Suckytarian on this one (and not just because he lent it to me yesterday and I just read it).
I have always considered the Avengers to be cheesy nonsense. Suggesting that they are the Beatles of superheroes is offensive. They are lucky if they can pull off New Kids on the Block. Shit, the West Coast Avengers was barely Menudo.
So when this arc (the first non-Ultimates Avenger story I've read in 10 years) showed the Avengers in all their cheesy loser glory, with a ridiculous X-Treme! crossover plot to pull in all the ex-Avengers it a way that would change the team forever, I was like, "Yawn. Business as usual in Avengers mansion."
Then you throw in Vision, Hawkeye, AND Ant-man dying? Shit, that's like Christmas. The only superhero I hate more than those assholes is the Martian Manhunter. Any book that has Hawkeye blown into a million bits is okay in my book.
I for one, would NOT welcome or recommend the resurrection of any of these characters. Hawkeye has gotta be the stupidest hero on the fucking planet.
I also liked the bit with Spider-man saying the Scarlet Witch married a robot. It's like, all these strange people in spandex and thongs and bright rainbow colors standing around, and Spidey is the only one who sees how ridiculous it all is.
And I got a little choked up when all the hard, tough New Yorkers brought candles. Sniff!
Didn't Doctor Strange re-stitch his giant red cloak of levitation into a trenchcoat and trade in his blue and black figure skater's outfit for a white suit a few years ago? That was a better look for him.
I mean, the man wants to look like a wizard, not a fairy, knowwhatI'msayin'?
Posted by: Peat at January 30, 2005 01:56 AM
What ticked me off was the lazy, half-assed excuse for a story. Come on, that book reads like something we would have written in seventh grade. Here are 10 reason why that was the WORST. STORY ARC. EVER.:
1.) Hawkeye killed himself because his arrows were on fire.
2.) All the Marvel superheroes show up and stand around side-by-side as though they were posing for one of those "everybody in the Marvel Universe" posters.
3.) Who needs clever exposition when you can have a character show up and make a 24-page monologue about how and why everything happened?
4.) Magneto shows up and none of the assembled superheroes has any beef with him. Didn't he just take over the entire island of Manhattan last year? Yeah, but you know, we only have 4 pages left, so... we'll let him go. After all, what better way for Scarlet Witch to get over her recent bout of murderous evil than to let her rest and recoup with one of the most evil villains in Marvel history?
5.) After like 40 years of bravery, Captain America, Iron Man, and Thor just shrug their shoulders and quit?
to be continued...
Posted by: jdonelson_nyc at January 31, 2005 11:06 AM
6.) I don't particularly like The Avengers but a lot of people do. I suspect that they do partly because they enjoy reading about other Marvel heroes besides Spider-Man and Wolverine. Well, too bad for those suckers. There's no room for non-movie characters in this Marvel Universe. I'm surprised the Punisher and Blade aren't on the new team.
7.) David Finch's art looks like it belongs in the "fan art" section of a Cyberforce letter column, circa 1993.
8.) The Wasp has been keeping Scarlet Witch's kids secret for what, ten years? One margarita and Whoopsie!
9.) Call me jaded, but ever since Secret Wars II I have been skeptical of Marvel's annual multi-title, multi-month, variant-cover crossover events. Especially considering that this time half of the titles that had "Disassembled" splashed across their covers had no connection whatsoever to the Avengers story.
10.) Matt liked it. How could it possibly have been good?
Posted by: jdonelson_nyc at January 31, 2005 11:22 AM
>1.) Hawkeye killed himself because his arrows were on fire.
Check again. He was shot in the back and was convinced it was a mortal wound. He chose to die spectacularly instead of lyng on the ground crying like a bitch (even though he IS a bitch).
>2.) All the Marvel superheroes show up and stand around side-by-side as though they were posing for one of those "everybody in the Marvel Universe" posters.
I love those posters.
>3.) Who needs clever exposition when you can have a character show up and make a 24-page monologue about how and why everything happened?
That sucked, no doubt, but again I ask, "Why were you expecting more from an AVENGERS book?"
>4.) Magneto shows up and none of the assembled superheroes has any beef with him. Didn't he just take over the entire island of Manhattan last year? Yeah, but you know, we only have 4 pages left, so... we'll let him go.
Maybe they knew Magneto would have whipped all their bitch asses if they had started some shit. Not a single one of them is in his league.
>After all, what better way for Scarlet Witch to get over her recent bout of murderous evil than to let her rest and recoup with one of the most evil villains in Marvel history?
Is Magneto evil, or is he misunderstood? This has always been my problem with his character. It is handled inconsistently. Sometimes, he is a mutant freedom fighter who takes extreme steps, and other times he is a deranged psycho. Then, once every 5 years or so, he becomes a good guy.
>5.) After like 40 years of bravery, Captain America, Iron Man, and Thor just shrug their shoulders and quit?
Meh. They all have solo books.
>6.) I don't particularly like The Avengers but a lot of people do. I suspect that they do partly because they enjoy reading about other Marvel heroes besides Spider-Man and Wolverine. Well, too bad for those suckers. There's no room for non-movie characters in this Marvel Universe. I'm surprised the Punisher and Blade aren't on the new team.
Yeah, well, I have no intention of reading that 'New Avengers' crap.
>7.) David Finch's art looks like it belongs in the "fan art" section of a Cyberforce letter column, circa 1993.
He's an image hack. There's no shortage of them. I don't think his work is particularly terrible, so much as it is unoriginal. I'd rather him draw everything in the world rather than Dan Jurgens.
>8.) The Wasp has been keeping Scarlet Witch's kids secret for what, ten years? One margarita and Whoopsie!
I was much more upset during that scene at the prospect of the Wasp and Hawkeye having sex.
Seriously. Ew.
>9.) Call me jaded, but ever since Secret Wars II I have been skeptical of Marvel's annual multi-title, multi-month, variant-cover crossover events. Especially considering that this time half of the titles that had "Disassembled" splashed across their covers had no connection whatsoever to the Avengers story.
I'm with you on that. That shit has got to stop. Luckily, I don't read a lot of Marvel books anymore, and didn't even notice this time around.
You know who I'd like to have come back? The Scourge. Remember him? He just ran around the Marvel universe, bumping off C list villains. It was in almost every Marvel title, but only for like 2 panels. It would be like, "Ha ha haaa! Paste-ot Pete has returned!" PUM-SPAK!
We need a Scourge for superheroes.
>10.) Matt liked it. How could it possibly have been good?
Hmmm. He DID buy Daredevil on DVD, even after seeing it in the theater, and then bought it again for the Director's Cut.
Pretty damning stuff...
Posted by: Peat at February 2, 2005 10:23 AM
Listen.... that Daredevil thing... I've explained it so many times. This is it. Last time:
I saw it in the theater because it looked like it could almost maybe sort of be good despite Ben Affleck. We were still riding the wave of Spider-Man and X-Men 2, and the curiosity factor put it over the top. I've seen even more obvious disasters in the theater despite my own gut and the wisdom of others because of that curiosity factor. I'm a fanboy sucker. Yes I am.
But fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, with a super low-priced ($12.99 come on! cheap!!!) apologist re-edit of the film with mysterious NEW footage worked back into the film and a harsher UN-rating, and well... yeah. Shame on me. I wanted it to be good so so badly.
Anyway, kiss my ass. I sold it on ebay for $8, so it only cost me as much as a rental.
Now, RE: Hawkeye sucking... Does Green Arrow also suck? Or do the facts that he's older and not purple save him from total suck?
Posted by: Suckytarian at February 2, 2005 03:19 PM
Green Arrow is just as lame and useless as Hawkeye (boxing glove arrow? come on), but he at least looks like Robin Hood, who is cool, so there is a vague, positive aspect to him.
At at least on the JLU cartoon, GA has some personality. He's knee-jerk, anti-establishment, conspiracy-theory guy. Hawkeye is just a Steve Rogers lookalike in a gay costume. He has as much personality as John Smith from Springfield.
Frankly, though, you could through them BOTH into the jet exhaust of a Kree warship for all I care. They're about as welcome in my life as skidmarks on my underpants.
Posted by: Peat at February 2, 2005 03:44 PM
PUM-SPAK. I like that. "Ha HAAAA! The Suckytarian has retur-- PUM-SPAK!"
I present two reasons why Green Arrow does not suck as much as Hawkeye: One, the "Green Arrow and Green Lantern" comics of the 60s and 70s, including the infamous "I see you helping the purple and the green people, but what about the black people?" scene. Two, Dark Knight Returns. The most outstanding moments in Hawkeye history are West Coast Avengers and the arrow that Reed Richards combines with Spider-man's web shooters to bust them out from under the mountain in Secret Wars. LAME.
Lame though he is, I still don't believe that the fact that his back was on fire was enough motivation for him to kill himself. Hasn't he ever heard of stop, drop, and roll? And if it was indeed a grevious injury, maybe David Finch and the colorist should have made it look like something more than his quiver being on fire.
Are you going to buy the director's cut of Elektra, too?
Posted by: jdonelson_nyc at February 2, 2005 03:51 PM
I'll give you the Dark Knight Returns scene. Good stuff. I can't speak to the GA/GL books. Never read 'em.
There was a good scene in Secret Wars where Hawkeye is all depressed, because he's out of arrows. Spider-man says "Don't feel bad, Reed cannibalized my web-shooters, too."
To which Hawkeye replies, Yeah, but without your webs, you're still Spider-man. Without my arrows, man, I'm just a guy in a funny suit."
Truer words never spoken.
Posted by: Peat at February 2, 2005 04:02 PM